The MommyRoo Blog

First off, Happy New Year! I hope you’re all as excited to ring in 2012 as I am!

I’m not normally the type of person to give myself New Years resolutions. I always kind of just assume that resolutions are meant to be broken, but this year, I think I kind of want to jump on the resolution bandwagon. So, without further ado, here are my resolutions (yes…more than just one), plus how I intend to stick to them. I’d love to hear yours, too!

1. Stop swearing!
I’ve been swearing like a sailor since I was probably about 13 years old. I’ve spent several years of my life blaming it on the fact that my dad was a trucker so I grew up around a foul mouth my whole life, but I’ve come to a point in my life where I just need to tone it down a bit. After all, I don’t want my 1 year old’s first real word to be a giant F-bomb. How humiliating would that be?! Plus, it’s not professional. (Please see resolution #2 to see why this might be of importance.)

How I’ll do it:
I have an old empty jar that I’ve made into a cuss jar. I’m going to keep a pad of paper next to it, and every time I swear, I’m going to write down on the paper the date and time that I did it. That way, I’ll have a reminder to cut it out!

2. Start my own business
This is already a work in progress, but in 2012, I’m about to take my dream and make it a reality. I want to start my own business for a myriad of reasons, plus the fact that it’s something I’ve had an interest in doing for quite some time. This year, I’m going to!

How I’ll do it:
I’ve already enrolled in entrepreneurship courses, so this is a work in progress. Now I just need to make it happen!

3. Self Encouragement
This year, I want to be less self-doubting and more self-encouraging. I’m on a mission to find my inner awesome and really believe it.

How I’ll do it:
I’m all about taking notes for 2012, because I’ll be writing down props to myself in 2012 so I can remember when I’m awesome and try to not beat myself down when I feel that I’m not.

4. Stay focused
I’ve found that even more this year than before, I’ve been having a hard time focusing. Multitasking isn’t always a bad thing, but so far, I’ve drifted away from writing this blog post 3 or 4 times already. Granted, the blog post will get done, but I really need to find ways to just focus on the task at hand. One thing at a time.

How I’ll do it:
Here goes the writing down notes, again! I’m going to be better at making lists in 2012 and staying focused on them. After all, I’m never going to stay focused if I don’t have a clear goal of what I’m trying to accomplish.

Do you usually end up keeping your New Years resolutions? If so, how do you do it?

I know, I know…it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted, which I can’t say I’m proud of. It’s been nearly (gasp) 2 years, since I’ve written a post, but I know the time has come to get back into the swing of things!

A lot and I mean a lot has happened over the course of two years for my little family and myself. For starters, the best thing happened. His name is Roman, and he’s my 1 YEAR OLD! That’s right. Jason and I were able to successfully get pregnant and have a little baby boy in December of last year. Most people are excited about the birth of a child, but I don’t think that you can put into words the feelings that happen when you give birth to a baby after losing not one, but two. Roman turning one this month was a huge milestone for us. As much as I’m beginning to miss my little baby as I see my toddler transform into a little boy in front of my eyes, I think we’re feeling more and more convinced that maybe God will let us keep this baby.

In my previous post I had mentioned that I was searching for more stable work after quitting my job. I was so fortunate to be able to find a fantastic company to work for in March of 2010. Not to mention, the people are fantastic. They were so supportive of my want/need to try to re-grow my family that they even hosted my baby shower last year at the office. I have had a tremendous opportunity to grow professionally through their company, as well as personally.

A few months back, in an unexpected turn of events, I was laid off. Don’t worry - it’s not one of those “I hate that company” situations. In fact, they have been unbelievably supportive of me moving forward. Plus, that this has given me some time to think about my priorities in life and what I want them to be. I’ve always known my number one priority in life is my son and my family, but now that I’m temporarily a stay at home mom, understanding how much of a priority I want that to be is becoming quite clear to me.

After a lot of thinking, I think I’m going to take the plunge. That’s right. I’m about to start my own business as an internet marketer for small businesses and as a WAHM. That said, I’ve still been applying for other work, just in case my dreams aren’t able to come true, but I’m on a mission! I want to be able to have it all. Be a super mom, be an A+ wife, and be a fantastic and successful business owner. I’ve been doing a lot of research, a lot of thinking, and am really convinced that this path could actually work for my family and me. Plus, I think my first clients are going to be my previous employers - so it will end up being a win/win for all of us!

So it’s time that you’ll all be hearing much more from me. I want to keep you posted during my journey over the next few months of starting my business, juggling my family, my successes, and my failures (which I’m praying will be minimal). Plus, if I’m going to be doing internet marketing, I’d better get a crackin’ on my own blog! And…GO!

Please bear with me, as this post may end up getting quite long.

It has been over 5 months since my last post and there has been a reason for this.  The worst reason possible.  Three days after the last post I wrote, discussing how I was going to raise my beautiful baby girl, she was taken from me to be with the angels in Heaven.  Cicely Laurri, my perfect baby, died of SUIDS on September 16th, 2009.  For the last 5 months or so, I’ve been trying  to get the tiny, broken pieces of my life back together and pick them up…one at a time.

After a few weeks, I went back to work and tried to get back to reality.  Even though I didn’t think life could go on, unfortunately it did.  The part most of you don’t know, is that 2 months after Cicely passed on, Jason and I were pregnant with our second child.  We took a test, it said positive, and we were so excited.  Only our excitement died the very next day, when we found out I had had a miscarriage and our second chance at happiness had also passed on.

It was around that time that I had a complete mental breakdown and withdrew from the world for about 3 weeks.  I did all I could.  I got help.  I talked to my therapist, I went to the Dr., I talked with other SIDS moms, I talked with SIDS nurses…I did everything I could to try to get myself out of my deep, dark hole.  And to the best extent that it could work in a situation like this, I think I’ve come out decently victorious.

The good part about having my miscarriage was that it finally gave me an opportunity to quit my job and start my life over.  It was too hard to work at Zipline.  I found out I was pregnant while I worked there, I went into labor at our office, my co-worker, Kate, was at the hospital while I was giving birth, and she drove me to the hospital where I would hold my dead baby for the last time.  All of my clients knew what had happened, which was as much of a good thing as bad and for anyone who didn’t, I felt like I was hiding some secret from them that was looming over my head every time I walked into the room.

So I’ve been unemployed for the last few months and have been trying to find a job.  I have a part-time job for White House Black Market, and so far it’s proving to be quite fun.  No stress, nice people, and a paycheck.  Just what I need.  But I’m also looking for something that I can be at with more longevity.  I’ve had some great interviews and am hopeful for one opportunity that came unexpectedly this week.  I’m not sure exactly what it is I want to do with my life right now other than start over.  I can say that the next time I have a baby, I want to have a job I’m in love with.  One I am passionate about.  And a factor of utmost importance - a job that will be supportive of Jason and I re-starting our family again.

At my job interviews, my prospective employers keep asking me if I’m really ready to go back to work and start over.  I think I am, but in reality, how can I know that for sure?  I don’t know that there is an opportune time after the death of your child to jump back on the bandwagon.  I’ve never done this before.  I’ve never had to pick up this many pieces to put my life back together before this.  I just know I need to be there for my family.  I need to be there for my amazing husband, and for our future children we will have and try to make their lives the best they can be.  I need to find my happiness again in whatever way it takes.

As a new parent, you brace yourself for all of the exciting times you will have with your baby.  Their first Christmas, their first birthday, their first time riding a bike.  I’ll never get a first Christmas, or a first birthday, or that first bike ride with my daughter.  Every day I have to hear about my pregnant friends and watch them get to watch their brand new babies continue to grow up, knowing that mine never will.  As much as I try to be happy for them, a little piece of me just wants to crawl in a hole.

I’ve been missing Cicely a lot this week.  It marked the week that she has been gone as long as she was here and I’ve been thinking of her and missing her every day.  I wish you all could have met her.  She really was the best baby I’ve ever known.  The good news is, I have a ton of memories I get to cherish of her.  I even kept a journal that I wrote in once a week or so of all of the new things she was doing.  Not to mention, we have loads and loads of pictures we took.

I hope to those who are reading this, that if you have children, you never have to go through what Jason and I and so many other parents have had to go through.  I also hope you cherish them every day.  If you have a crying baby, be glad every time they cry that you get to hear it, because I’ll never get to hear my daughter’s again.  And when your child is misbehaving, just be glad you have one that can misbehave at all.

I think good things are in store for us in the future.  After all, I think we’ve endured the worst thing we’ll ever have to and we are somehow still standing.  This is our new beginning and we’re trying to look at it as an opportunity for great things to come.

For more information about SIDS and SUID and how you can help the cause please visit, http://www.nwsids.org/.

As a new mom, I’m quite excited to begin to introduce the things I loved as a child to my daughter.  One of these things is, of course, the infamous Disney classics.  Over Labor Day weekend, I was especially excited when Comcast On Demand was doing a promo for their new Disney subscription and were showcasing Tarzan, 101 Dalmations, and Mary Poppins.  I chose to watch Tarzan and 101 Dalmations over the weekend.

I still thought these were good movies, but I noticed a few things about them that got me thinking.  1) These were violent movies.  Especially 101 Dalmations.  They are not only trying to kidnap the puppies, but they are also trying to kill and skin the puppies.  That’s horrible!  I don’t want to explain to my daughter what it means to “off” a puppy!  2) Why the heck do 99% of Disney characters not have both parents.  Most of the time, the mother has been killed or died somehow and the father independently raises the child.  Or, somehow, the child is orphaned or runs away.

I was reading something that said Disney movies are the way they are because they are written after old folk tales which were written during a time where children were often motherless.  While this makes sense, haven’t there been other good children’s stories written since way back in the day?  Maybe one’s that teach good morals, don’t have bad guys that would scare me to this day, and have both parent’s?

On the other hand, I watched Disney movies as a child.  I loved them and I still do like them.  Somehow, I’ve managed to end up as, what I would consider, a decent person.  I’m pretty sure watching Disney movies as a child didn’t scar me into being a horrible adult.

So, what do you think?  Are Disney movies too “bad” to let our children watch?  Or do they actually teach us good moral values and add some character to our kids?

I remember a few years ago, when people would meet me, they would wonder why I was so happy.  I would simply give them the explanation that I was high on life.  And it was true.  I was one of those people that “The Secret” wasn’t so much a secret and it was just the way I lived my life.  Somehow, over time, I stopped being that super happy person…at least on the inside.  I’m not sure what changed.  I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for years now, but I would always come back to that happy little bubble…until my bubble popped.  I got into a rut and what I realized was most likely my quarter life crisis, hence the name for my blog.  My extreme happiness seemed to turn into extreme self-doubt and not knowing if I was heading in the right direction with my life, and at the same time not knowing where that direction was leading me.  It doesn’t help that I’m also a control freak, so I’d like to be able to lay the foundation for my road of life with my bare hands.  Over the last few years, I’ve given up my previous outlook that my road was already laid down for me if I’d just follow it.

Since I wasn’t figuring out were my road was taking me as far as a dream career that could make me enough money to buy a small island, a small part of me was thinking that having a baby could perhaps fill that that void - maybe my purpose in life wasn’t to have the best career or nice things, but to be a mother.  I have a perfect husband, so what more could life bring me than a baby with him?  But after I got pregnant, that drastically changed when I became severely depressed and wondered why I was alive at all.  Maybe I wasn’t meant to have a road in life at all and I was simply at a dead end.  Thankfully, I kept with the pregnancy, I kept with my job, and all has turned out in the end.

I feel that since I’ve had Cicely, I’m now leaving my quarter life crisis.  My controlling nature is starting to ease up and I’m starting to find the happy place where I used to reside.  I think it’s my daughter that is paving my path in life and I need to re-learn to follow it.  It is true that you can love a baby more than you’ve ever known you could love anything.  I actually feel that maybe I was right.  Maybe my current plan in life isn’t to conquer the world, but to raise my daughter and be the best mom and wife I can be.  And I think I’m ok with that.  Sure, I’d like to own my small island one day, but right now, I have better things to worry about - like why Cicely spits up entirely more for me than for Jason…hmmm.

With that said, I think I’m going to switch over my blog.  I’d like to exit my quarter-life crisis and shut the door behind me.  It’s a new chapter, a new day, and a reclaimed sense of happiness.

Old self - I missed you.  New self - welcome to the world of being a mom.  So far, it’s worth every sleepless night.  And husband, family, and friends - thanks for not forgetting the old self was there all along.

Before I became pregnant, I didn’t realize the copious amount of decisions one must make during and for after their pregnancy.  Now that I am nearly finished being pregnant, I’m astounded at all of the decisions I (Jason and I) have made…or am still making.   Here is a list of 19 (I seriously couldn’t think of 20) - in no random order.

1.  What’s in a name?  I still have yet to completely decide on a name for baby girl Tiemann.  I think we have settled on one, but I just refuse to make the decision until I see her tiny little face! 

2.  The car seat.  I found a car seat that I loved…minus the fact that I couldn’t get the handle on it to move without the strength of Goliath.  Stupid Baby Trend!  We settled for an Evenflo, since it has the Z handle and my arms are shaped funny so I can’t use the typical straight handle comfortably.  It better keep our munchkin safe is all I have to say!

3. Bedding.  This is an important decision to me.  Not that she’ll even use it, but it gives her room a theme.  We went with antique roses.  She better love it!

4. Bedroom Color.  To go along with the bedding, you have to pick which color to paint the room.  We went with a nice shade of green.  Hopefully, she finds it calming. 

5. Feeding.  To breastfeed or not to breastfeed?  I wasn’t going to breastfeed for several reasons.  1) I’m on anti-depressants. 2) It’s always kind of grossed me out.  3) The last 2 generations of women on my side of the family have not breastfed. 4) I didn’t know anything about it really.  Despite all of this, I’ve decided to give it a go.  1) I’ve talked to a few Dr.’s who don’t seem to think the medication I’m on is going to be bad for the baby while breastfeeding.  2) It finally doesn’t really gross me out. 3) I’m changing my family’s trends.  4) I’ve done some more research on it and feel like I’d like to see what all the hype is about…besides the factual benefits of it, of course.

6. Bottles.  If/when I end up using bottles, I don’t want my baby to get all gassy and crabby.  So I did some reviews.  We ended up getting the Playtex Drop-In system.  I’d also like to try MAM, but haven’t found any in stores, yet.  I hope they keep her bowels in check.

7.  Pacifiers.  Although my mother is hard core against pacifiers, I am for them.  Not only do they help prevent SIDS, but since I didn’t use a pacifier as a baby, I sucked my thumb until I was 7 and had an awful callus from it.  Binky it is.

8. OB or Midwife?  We started out with a midwife and although we were really happy with our decision and the “natural” way to have a baby, due to my getting put on medication, we switched to an OB.  In retrospect, I’m glad we made the change.  Now, if medical intervention does become necessary (and I stress necessary…not optional), we’ll be in a hospital and can easily get it.

9. Vaccines.  This is a huge topic of conversation, lately.  It’s on TV shows, it’s all over the web, and it’s an important decision that each new parent must make.  We’ve decided we are for them…partially.  Meaning, she will get the ones we feel are necessary, but we’d like to space them out a bit more than the normal “schedule” due to all the hype about the Autism business.  I don’t see a need to give her 9 shots in a day.  I do see the need to keep her as healthy as I can in whatever way possible.  Hopefully, we’re making the right decision on this one.

10. Pediatrician.  Not only do you have to find a good Dr. when you become pregnant, but you also have to find one for your baby.  We don’t have a lot of options where we live in town, so we’re going with the Pediatricians office most people here go with.  We interviewed one in their clinic and he was ok.  I’m hoping there is one there we fall in love with.

11.  Daycare.  Although I absolutely hate the fact that my baby is going to have to be put in daycare since we can’t afford for me to stay home with her, I think we’ve found a daycare that we’re happy with.  Important decision to make when they will see your baby nearly as much as you will during the work week.

12. Cord Blood. We’re opting out of this one.  1) It costs a crap-ton.  2) It can generally only be used on siblings.  Perhaps next time…

13. Epidural.  Since we’ve wanted to go with a “natural” birth, meaning no medication…I’m going to try not to have one.  We’ll see how that goes.

14. Cutting costs.  Babies are expensive and because of this, we’ve had to figure out where to cut some expenses.  I now don’t eat out for lunch every day, I’m temporarily not paying my student loans, we’re paying our mortgage on a different schedule, and we’re rearranging who pays which bills.  I’m hoping these changes will allow for the additional $1200 a month or so baby is going to cost us.  Ouch!  Otherwise…Comcast and Verizon Wireless are next! And I may see if Jason is game for becoming a male prostitute.  Love you, hunny! 

15. Who gets to be in the room during the delivery.  Personally, I don’t want an entourage watching a baby come out of my vajayjay or me making a fool of myself while in pain.  Jason will obviously be allowed and since my mother most likely won’t be in town yet, Jason’s mother will most likely be there for back-up.  Guest list complete.

16. Baby sleeping in bed.  Although I would love for baby to begin sleeping in her crib immediately, I know my newness at being a mom won’t allow it.  So we got a little co-sleeper to go in the bed, since our bed is huge and I want to try breastfeeding.  We may end up with a bassinette to go next to the bed instead.  We’ll see.  Either way, I only want her in the room with us for 3 months tops, so hopefully we can transition her into her room with not too much of a struggle.  Hopefully…  Besides, she needs to enjoy her green and antique rose theme darn it!

17.  Stroller.  Travel system or not?  We decided not.  We bought a shell of a stroller that our carseat will fit in.  For starters, travel systems are really heavy and I have the strength of a tiny child.  Not to mention they take up your entire trunk.  Where the heck am I supposed to put groceries?  Also, by the time they are large enough to fit in the “big” stroller, they are also large enough to fit in an umbrella stroller, which weighs about a pound and is much easier to tote…and less expensive.

18.  Baby Registry.  Jason and I had a lot of fun dragging Corrie with us to register for baby.  We scanned a freakin’ ton of items and then I went home and compared reviews on them and made my final decisions.  Although fun…it’s a big decision figuring out what necessities and fun trinkets you want or think you need for baby.

19. Boy or Girl.  This one was a no brainer.  We wanted to know.  They just don’t make enough gender neutral stuff right now and I’m a control freak.  Girl it is!

That’s all the good ones I can think of for now.  If I come up with any more, I’ll add them to the list.  I’m sure there are a slew of them!  So if you’re about to get pregnant or are pregnant, good luck and be prepared to be decisive.  You’re going to need to be!  This isn’t even including the list of all of the random stuff I’ve learned since being pregnant.  That would end up being a novel.

As a quick note, to anyone who follows my blog, I found out yesterday that my grandpa I visited back in July, passed away last night.  Although I’m obviously sad about this, our family seems to be doing well about the situation all in all.  I think we’re all a bit relieved, to be honest.  His dementia was terrible and he hasn’t been the grandpa we’ve all known and loved for quite some time now.  He’s not suffering anymore and he’s not in pain.  He will definitely be missed, since he was an amazing man with an unbelievable soul.  RIP, Grandpa Hirr.

In just under a short three months or so, Jason and I are going to be welcoming our first baby.  In preparation for the busyness and chaos I’ve so often heard comes along with having a baby, I’ve decided to find something I enjoy and take some time for myself.  I did some research and found a local non-profit community tv station and decided to volunteer there.  I went for the first time this week and began editing a PSA for a local non-profit.  It was a lot of fun, actually.  It gave me something I enjoy doing by letting get back into production a bit, but without the stress of clients and deadlines (which are both rare to find in the world of production).  I even learned a cool new editing trick that I hadn’t learned before, which made my time there even more worth while.  It’s giving me a chance to do something, which hopefully helps out the community, but also helps me out by giving me a little bit of me time.

During my days off over the Christmas holiday I decided to go through some of my old paperwork from when I was in school and organize it.  I had a few pages left in a scrapbook to post some things in and I was on a mission to finish it.  I ended up finding way too much stuff to put in the scrapbook, but I did find something in the meantime.  I found an answer to a question I’ve been asking myself for some time now.  Why do I feel so unfulfilled at a job, even if I really like the job?  The answer to this question is simple, I just hadn’t realized it until now.  Because all through my schooling years I was one of those kids that got award after award after award for one thing or another, no matter how small it was.  As I got older I got scholarships and as I got more involved in activities, I got newspaper releases written about me.  As I was sorting through my old memories, I found tons of warm fuzzies all for me.  It was then that it hit me.  Once you make the transition from school into the real world, your warm fuzzies and congratulatory paperwork magically seem to come to a screeching halt.  Instead, they are replaced with complaining clients and a simple piece of paper every few weeks I like to call a pay check.  Although a paycheck is rewarding, it’s not the same as the accolades of kudos I’ve kept for myself for years past.  After all, my award certificates don’t pay my bills.  It was a helpful realization - to realize that maybe work can be fulfilling.  You just have to make it fulfilling in other ways than mounds of old memories and 8 1/2 x 11 sheets of certificate papers.

Today was an exciting day.  Not only because it’s my birthday, but also because of the recent presidential election and Barak Obama winning.  I voted for Obama, but even if McCain had won, I still would have been ok with it, because it’s still a new outlook on our country and glimpse of hope for us and for people around the world that we affect.  I think today says something about our country.  It displays the leaps and bounds our country has made within the last several decades in the fight for equality.  Not just for African-Americans, but for women, for the working class, and for anyone else who has been oppressed in our country.  This election was monumental, not only because we elected a black president, but because women were running for president and taken (relatively) seriously.  It was big step for us as a country.  It’s not every day that I am proud to be an American, because of what we’ve done.  But today, I can say…I am proud to be an American and I’m hoping and praying that Obama will bring us all the change for the better he promised us he would bring.