The MommyRoo Blog

Please bear with me, as this post may end up getting quite long.

It has been over 5 months since my last post and there has been a reason for this.  The worst reason possible.  Three days after the last post I wrote, discussing how I was going to raise my beautiful baby girl, she was taken from me to be with the angels in Heaven.  Cicely Laurri, my perfect baby, died of SIDS on September 16th, 2009.  For the last 5 months or so, I’ve been trying  to get the tiny, broken pieces of my life back together and pick them up…one at a time.

After a few weeks, I went back to work and tried to get back to reality.  Even though I didn’t think life could go on, unfortunately it did.  The part most of you don’t know, is that 2 months after Cicely passed on, Jason and I were pregnant with our second child.  We took a test, it said positive, and we were so excited.  Only our excitement died the very next day, when we found out I had had a miscarriage and our second chance at happiness had also passed on.

It was around that time that I had a complete mental breakdown and withdrew from the world for about 3 weeks.  I did all I could.  I got help.  I talked to my therapist, I went to the Dr., I talked with other SIDS moms, I talked with SIDS nurses…I did everything I could to try to get myself out of my deep, dark hole.  And to the best extent that it could work in a situation like this, I think I’ve come out decently victorious.

The good part about having my miscarriage was that it finally gave me an opportunity to quit my job and start my life over.  It was too hard to work at Zipline.  I found out I was pregnant while I worked there, I went into labor at our office, my co-worker, Kate, was at the hospital while I was giving birth, and she drove me to the hospital where I would hold my dead baby for the last time.  All of my clients knew what had happened, which was as much of a good thing as bad and for anyone who didn’t, I felt like I was hiding some secret from them that was looming over my head every time I walked into the room.

So I’ve been unemployed for the last few months and have been trying to find a job.  I have a part-time job for White House Black Market, and so far it’s proving to be quite fun.  No stress, nice people, and a paycheck.  Just what I need.  But I’m also looking for something that I can be at with more longevity.  I’ve had some great interviews and am hopeful for one opportunity that came unexpectedly this week.  I’m not sure exactly what it is I want to do with my life right now other than start over.  I can say that the next time I have a baby, I want to have a job I’m in love with.  One I am passionate about.  And a factor of utmost importance - a job that will be supportive of Jason and I re-starting our family again.

At my job interviews, my prospective employers keep asking me if I’m really ready to go back to work and start over.  I think I am, but in reality, how can I know that for sure?  I don’t know that there is an opportune time after the death of your child to jump back on the bandwagon.  I’ve never done this before.  I’ve never had to pick up this many pieces to put my life back together before this.  I just know I need to be there for my family.  I need to be there for my amazing husband, and for our future children we will have and try to make their lives the best they can be.  I need to find my happiness again in whatever way it takes.

As a new parent, you brace yourself for all of the exciting times you will have with your baby.  Their first Christmas, their first birthday, their first time riding a bike.  I’ll never get a first Christmas, or a first birthday, or that first bike ride with my daughter.  Every day I have to hear about my pregnant friends and watch them get to watch their brand new babies continue to grow up, knowing that mine never will.  As much as I try to be happy for them, a little piece of me just wants to crawl in a hole.

I’ve been missing Cicely a lot this week.  It marked the week that she has been gone as long as she was here and I’ve been thinking of her and missing her every day.  I wish you all could have met her.  She really was the best baby I’ve ever known.  The good news is, I have a ton of memories I get to cherish of her.  I even kept a journal that I wrote in once a week or so of all of the new things she was doing.  Not to mention, we have loads and loads of pictures we took.

I hope to those who are reading this, that if you have children, you never have to go through what Jason and I and so many other parents have had to go through.  I also hope you cherish them every day.  If you have a crying baby, be glad every time they cry that you get to hear it, because I’ll never get to hear my daughter’s again.  And when your child is misbehaving, just be glad you have one that can misbehave at all.

I think good things are in store for us in the future.  After all, I think we’ve endured the worst thing we’ll ever have to and we are somehow still standing.  This is our new beginning and we’re trying to look at it as an opportunity for great things to come.

For more information about SIDS and how you can help the cause please visit, http://www.nwsids.org/.

As a quick note, to anyone who follows my blog, I found out yesterday that my grandpa I visited back in July, passed away last night.  Although I’m obviously sad about this, our family seems to be doing well about the situation all in all.  I think we’re all a bit relieved, to be honest.  His dementia was terrible and he hasn’t been the grandpa we’ve all known and loved for quite some time now.  He’s not suffering anymore and he’s not in pain.  He will definitely be missed, since he was an amazing man with an unbelievable soul.  RIP, Grandpa Hirr.

In just under a short three months or so, Jason and I are going to be welcoming our first baby.  In preparation for the busyness and chaos I’ve so often heard comes along with having a baby, I’ve decided to find something I enjoy and take some time for myself.  I did some research and found a local non-profit community tv station and decided to volunteer there.  I went for the first time this week and began editing a PSA for a local non-profit.  It was a lot of fun, actually.  It gave me something I enjoy doing by letting get back into production a bit, but without the stress of clients and deadlines (which are both rare to find in the world of production).  I even learned a cool new editing trick that I hadn’t learned before, which made my time there even more worth while.  It’s giving me a chance to do something, which hopefully helps out the community, but also helps me out by giving me a little bit of me time.

That’s right. We got a puppy. I’ve been dying to have my very own squeezable, lovable, companion for years now and I finally have a life where we could get one. So with much persuasion and puppy shopping, we got Nala. She is mostly St. Bernard, partial Sneaky Fence Jumper. Adorable as can be and a giant pain in the you know what. But I love her anyway. She’s turning out to be quite the good little pup.

My lovely husband, Jason, and I have two adorable little cats. Well, adorable until I’m trying to sleep in in the morning. Sweet little Jinxie (or Nugget as we call her) is a cute as can be Manx mix. She’s a little cat, who is overweight and has no tail, but adorable non-the-less. Everytime The Nugget goes to jump onto anything, the bed onto the window, the floor onto the couch, the bed back to the floor she makes a little squeak. Oh no…she can’t jump silently like most cats, she has to make sure you can hear her moving from platform to platform. Hence, sleeping in disturbance #1…The Nugget squeaking her way around the house. Onto the other adorable little house cat. His name is Camo and I adopted him when he was a year and half old. He is a little beige kitty with a loving little face and an appetite for attention. In the middle of the night, if I forget to add more food and water to their bowls before I go to sleep, Camo makes sure to let me know. He does it in the cutest way he can think of, by pacing around my head on my pillow and purring as loudly as possible. If that doesn’t awaken me, then I will soon be woken up to lovely cat licks on my face. This morning Camo decided it was time for me to get up. I knew I had fed them and gave them water on purpose so they wouldn’t wake me up this morning, but still, Camo was awake as can be and ready to get out of bed. Since he was ready, I needed to get up immediately and give him my undying attention. Finally, I gave in to my bladder and the purring and got out of bed. The Fuzzy Futtz win again.

I don’t have many vices. I don’t drink often, I don’t smoke anything, I don’t do illegal drugs of any sort, but I do have one naughty little habit. Every morning I barely roll out of bed, prepare myself for another day at the office, get in my car and drive to work. As I walk from the parking lot to the building I work in, I can hardly handle the anticipation as it builds inside of me. I exit the elevator on the 7th floor and enter the door. I anxiously meander into the back room, where I know I’m getting closer to my morning fix. After I make the pot, stir in the creamer, and add two entire spoonfuls of sugar I know my craving will soon be fed. That first sip every morning of delicious coffee is like my own little piece of heaven. Every morning I know it will make me sick, due to my weak stomach, but every morning I embark on my delicious sin, savoring each and every drop. Coffee is fundamentally necessary to my overall well-being.

When you post your first blog on a site, what exactly does one say? Is this the part where I introduce myself to to the masses of the World Wide Web? Do I explain everything there is to know about me in a cliche posting online? I could do that…but instead, this is what you get. An empty post learning little to nothing about me. But a picture is worth 1000 words. Take your best shot.