The MommyRoo Blog

I remember a few years ago, when people would meet me, they would wonder why I was so happy.  I would simply give them the explanation that I was high on life.  And it was true.  I was one of those people that “The Secret” wasn’t so much a secret and it was just the way I lived my life.  Somehow, over time, I stopped being that super happy person…at least on the inside.  I’m not sure what changed.  I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for years now, but I would always come back to that happy little bubble…until my bubble popped.  I got into a rut and what I realized was most likely my quarter life crisis, hence the name for my blog.  My extreme happiness seemed to turn into extreme self-doubt and not knowing if I was heading in the right direction with my life, and at the same time not knowing where that direction was leading me.  It doesn’t help that I’m also a control freak, so I’d like to be able to lay the foundation for my road of life with my bare hands.  Over the last few years, I’ve given up my previous outlook that my road was already laid down for me if I’d just follow it.

Since I wasn’t figuring out were my road was taking me as far as a dream career that could make me enough money to buy a small island, a small part of me was thinking that having a baby could perhaps fill that that void - maybe my purpose in life wasn’t to have the best career or nice things, but to be a mother.  I have a perfect husband, so what more could life bring me than a baby with him?  But after I got pregnant, that drastically changed when I became severely depressed and wondered why I was alive at all.  Maybe I wasn’t meant to have a road in life at all and I was simply at a dead end.  Thankfully, I kept with the pregnancy, I kept with my job, and all has turned out in the end.

I feel that since I’ve had Cicely, I’m now leaving my quarter life crisis.  My controlling nature is starting to ease up and I’m starting to find the happy place where I used to reside.  I think it’s my daughter that is paving my path in life and I need to re-learn to follow it.  It is true that you can love a baby more than you’ve ever known you could love anything.  I actually feel that maybe I was right.  Maybe my current plan in life isn’t to conquer the world, but to raise my daughter and be the best mom and wife I can be.  And I think I’m ok with that.  Sure, I’d like to own my small island one day, but right now, I have better things to worry about - like why Cicely spits up entirely more for me than for Jason…hmmm.

With that said, I think I’m going to switch over my blog.  I’d like to exit my quarter-life crisis and shut the door behind me.  It’s a new chapter, a new day, and a reclaimed sense of happiness.

Old self - I missed you.  New self - welcome to the world of being a mom.  So far, it’s worth every sleepless night.  And husband, family, and friends - thanks for not forgetting the old self was there all along.

Before I became pregnant, I didn’t realize the copious amount of decisions one must make during and for after their pregnancy.  Now that I am nearly finished being pregnant, I’m astounded at all of the decisions I (Jason and I) have made…or am still making.   Here is a list of 19 (I seriously couldn’t think of 20) - in no random order.

1.  What’s in a name?  I still have yet to completely decide on a name for baby girl Tiemann.  I think we have settled on one, but I just refuse to make the decision until I see her tiny little face! 

2.  The car seat.  I found a car seat that I loved…minus the fact that I couldn’t get the handle on it to move without the strength of Goliath.  Stupid Baby Trend!  We settled for an Evenflo, since it has the Z handle and my arms are shaped funny so I can’t use the typical straight handle comfortably.  It better keep our munchkin safe is all I have to say!

3. Bedding.  This is an important decision to me.  Not that she’ll even use it, but it gives her room a theme.  We went with antique roses.  She better love it!

4. Bedroom Color.  To go along with the bedding, you have to pick which color to paint the room.  We went with a nice shade of green.  Hopefully, she finds it calming. 

5. Feeding.  To breastfeed or not to breastfeed?  I wasn’t going to breastfeed for several reasons.  1) I’m on anti-depressants. 2) It’s always kind of grossed me out.  3) The last 2 generations of women on my side of the family have not breastfed. 4) I didn’t know anything about it really.  Despite all of this, I’ve decided to give it a go.  1) I’ve talked to a few Dr.’s who don’t seem to think the medication I’m on is going to be bad for the baby while breastfeeding.  2) It finally doesn’t really gross me out. 3) I’m changing my family’s trends.  4) I’ve done some more research on it and feel like I’d like to see what all the hype is about…besides the factual benefits of it, of course.

6. Bottles.  If/when I end up using bottles, I don’t want my baby to get all gassy and crabby.  So I did some reviews.  We ended up getting the Playtex Drop-In system.  I’d also like to try MAM, but haven’t found any in stores, yet.  I hope they keep her bowels in check.

7.  Pacifiers.  Although my mother is hard core against pacifiers, I am for them.  Not only do they help prevent SIDS, but since I didn’t use a pacifier as a baby, I sucked my thumb until I was 7 and had an awful callus from it.  Binky it is.

8. OB or Midwife?  We started out with a midwife and although we were really happy with our decision and the “natural” way to have a baby, due to my getting put on medication, we switched to an OB.  In retrospect, I’m glad we made the change.  Now, if medical intervention does become necessary (and I stress necessary…not optional), we’ll be in a hospital and can easily get it.

9. Vaccines.  This is a huge topic of conversation, lately.  It’s on TV shows, it’s all over the web, and it’s an important decision that each new parent must make.  We’ve decided we are for them…partially.  Meaning, she will get the ones we feel are necessary, but we’d like to space them out a bit more than the normal “schedule” due to all the hype about the Autism business.  I don’t see a need to give her 9 shots in a day.  I do see the need to keep her as healthy as I can in whatever way possible.  Hopefully, we’re making the right decision on this one.

10. Pediatrician.  Not only do you have to find a good Dr. when you become pregnant, but you also have to find one for your baby.  We don’t have a lot of options where we live in town, so we’re going with the Pediatricians office most people here go with.  We interviewed one in their clinic and he was ok.  I’m hoping there is one there we fall in love with.

11.  Daycare.  Although I absolutely hate the fact that my baby is going to have to be put in daycare since we can’t afford for me to stay home with her, I think we’ve found a daycare that we’re happy with.  Important decision to make when they will see your baby nearly as much as you will during the work week.

12. Cord Blood. We’re opting out of this one.  1) It costs a crap-ton.  2) It can generally only be used on siblings.  Perhaps next time…

13. Epidural.  Since we’ve wanted to go with a “natural” birth, meaning no medication…I’m going to try not to have one.  We’ll see how that goes.

14. Cutting costs.  Babies are expensive and because of this, we’ve had to figure out where to cut some expenses.  I now don’t eat out for lunch every day, I’m temporarily not paying my student loans, we’re paying our mortgage on a different schedule, and we’re rearranging who pays which bills.  I’m hoping these changes will allow for the additional $1200 a month or so baby is going to cost us.  Ouch!  Otherwise…Comcast and Verizon Wireless are next! And I may see if Jason is game for becoming a male prostitute.  Love you, hunny! 

15. Who gets to be in the room during the delivery.  Personally, I don’t want an entourage watching a baby come out of my vajayjay or me making a fool of myself while in pain.  Jason will obviously be allowed and since my mother most likely won’t be in town yet, Jason’s mother will most likely be there for back-up.  Guest list complete.

16. Baby sleeping in bed.  Although I would love for baby to begin sleeping in her crib immediately, I know my newness at being a mom won’t allow it.  So we got a little co-sleeper to go in the bed, since our bed is huge and I want to try breastfeeding.  We may end up with a bassinette to go next to the bed instead.  We’ll see.  Either way, I only want her in the room with us for 3 months tops, so hopefully we can transition her into her room with not too much of a struggle.  Hopefully…  Besides, she needs to enjoy her green and antique rose theme darn it!

17.  Stroller.  Travel system or not?  We decided not.  We bought a shell of a stroller that our carseat will fit in.  For starters, travel systems are really heavy and I have the strength of a tiny child.  Not to mention they take up your entire trunk.  Where the heck am I supposed to put groceries?  Also, by the time they are large enough to fit in the “big” stroller, they are also large enough to fit in an umbrella stroller, which weighs about a pound and is much easier to tote…and less expensive.

18.  Baby Registry.  Jason and I had a lot of fun dragging Corrie with us to register for baby.  We scanned a freakin’ ton of items and then I went home and compared reviews on them and made my final decisions.  Although fun…it’s a big decision figuring out what necessities and fun trinkets you want or think you need for baby.

19. Boy or Girl.  This one was a no brainer.  We wanted to know.  They just don’t make enough gender neutral stuff right now and I’m a control freak.  Girl it is!

That’s all the good ones I can think of for now.  If I come up with any more, I’ll add them to the list.  I’m sure there are a slew of them!  So if you’re about to get pregnant or are pregnant, good luck and be prepared to be decisive.  You’re going to need to be!  This isn’t even including the list of all of the random stuff I’ve learned since being pregnant.  That would end up being a novel.

During my days off over the Christmas holiday I decided to go through some of my old paperwork from when I was in school and organize it.  I had a few pages left in a scrapbook to post some things in and I was on a mission to finish it.  I ended up finding way too much stuff to put in the scrapbook, but I did find something in the meantime.  I found an answer to a question I’ve been asking myself for some time now.  Why do I feel so unfulfilled at a job, even if I really like the job?  The answer to this question is simple, I just hadn’t realized it until now.  Because all through my schooling years I was one of those kids that got award after award after award for one thing or another, no matter how small it was.  As I got older I got scholarships and as I got more involved in activities, I got newspaper releases written about me.  As I was sorting through my old memories, I found tons of warm fuzzies all for me.  It was then that it hit me.  Once you make the transition from school into the real world, your warm fuzzies and congratulatory paperwork magically seem to come to a screeching halt.  Instead, they are replaced with complaining clients and a simple piece of paper every few weeks I like to call a pay check.  Although a paycheck is rewarding, it’s not the same as the accolades of kudos I’ve kept for myself for years past.  After all, my award certificates don’t pay my bills.  It was a helpful realization - to realize that maybe work can be fulfilling.  You just have to make it fulfilling in other ways than mounds of old memories and 8 1/2 x 11 sheets of certificate papers.

The last few weeks have been difficult.  On my way home from Jason’s family’s property an hour from where we live, I got a disturbing voice mail on my phone.  My grandfather, who has been diagnosed with dementia wasn’t waking up and was in the hospital.

My grandfather has been in the hospital several times.  Every time he goes, I never really worry too much that he’s there, because I always just assume he will get out within a day.  Which is true.  Even this time, he was out within a day.  But this time, it was different.  For the first time it hit me that something was very wrong.  My gut instinct on this one told me things were not good.

Following the news he was in the hospital, the diagnosis was that he was old and needed to be taken care of by a hospice nurse.  Not good.  Anything dealing with the word, hospice, is never a good thing.  So I had to make a decision.  Do I go home to Michigan and see my dying grandpa, for which will likely be my last time ever seeing him or do I  not go and maybe fly back for the funeral to support my mom and grandma?

In making my decision it was perhaps my grandma who put it best.  “Deanna, you have two options.  Do you want to see grandpa alive or dead?”  Those words hit me like a rock.  Because, sadly, that is the terrible reality of the situation.  And I chose alive.

As hard as this trip is going to be, I need to go say goodbye to my grandpa.  I dearly love him and I need to let him know this before he goes off to the white light in the sky.   I’m hoping going to see him will give me some closure.  I get the opportunity to tell a loved one goodbye before they die and I think I need to take it.

I’m venting.  I try to be a generally nice person, but in this specific instance, I feel the need to vent.  I feel the need to vent especially over wealthy, middle-aged men who feel like they are better than everyone else they meet and because of their status, everyone should practically bow down at their feet.  Well, I have two words for you.  Fuck off.  Don’t assume that just because I’m a 1) woman (which for some reason makes some men automatically jump to the immediate conclusion that I was born without a brain in my head) and 2) younger than you, that I’m an idiot.  News flash.  I’m not.  You can try to be as arrogant and pigheaded as you want, but I hate to tell you…you are no better than me.  In fact, I’m very positive, that the only way you have made it this far in the world is because you have won by intimidation.  Too bad you know me.  Because I, for one, am not intimidated.  I see you as you are.  An asshole.  At least I get some satisfaction knowing that at least I’ll have done some good in the world and not have gotten there by being a prick.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it…dillweed.

Ah…that felt good.  But seriously…I’m so tired of people treating me like I’m a five year old that has lived in a bubble.  I’m done with it.  Treat me with respect or don’t talk to me.  I deserve just as much respect as you assume I should be giving you.  In my vent…I’m talking about a current client of the company I work for.  I’m sure he doesn’t see himself this way.  But he is.  And it’s degrading and uncalled for.  However, this topic also ties in to my recent trip to the car dealership…please read ahead.

I get it.  I pull up and you think you can sell me a car and charge me up the ass for it.  Unfortunately…once again…I’m not an idiot.  I’ve been researching cars for more than a few months now.  And I mean researching.  I compare prices, I compare models and makes, I read reviews, and I run reports on VIN numbers multiple times a day.  I check for a car at dealerships, I check for a car through a private party, and I’ve been listening to what people around me have to say about cars they have heard about.  I am a car dealership’s worst nightmare.  Today was no different when I decided to go to my local Honda dealer.  I wanted to see what they had to offer as far as used cars, and after being stalked around the parking lot and traded off to another salesman (I’m pretty sure because the first one realized there was no winning with me) who I was trying to get leasing pricing from and then traded off (because I think I scared poor young salesman number 2) to the service manager , who was another one of the previously mentioned middle-aged men I was referring to, I still never got my pricing for a lease.  I don’t think they liked how many times I used the words, “no”, “non-negotiable”, “highest payment”, “I’m not taking it for a test drive before you get me pricing”, and “no, I will not fill out your credit app just so you can get me a ballpark figure.”  I’m still trying to figure out why I don’t know how much a general price for a lease would be.  Oh wait…I do know the answer to that.  It’s because I’m a woman, who is young, who some would assume to be a pushover.  Too bad Honda…because you’ve lost my business for being annoyingly arrogant and assuming.

Vent complete.

Gilda Radner once said, “Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.” The concept of simply “living in the moment”, I’m finding, is one that has never impacted me quite as hard as it is now.

From the time we are young and barely in school we are asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” When I stop and think about it, I wonder when exactly is it that we unknowingly go from being an innocent child to the equivocal adult we’ve somehow become? When you are a child every day is aspiring to be an adult and to learn something new, find something new, do something new. Every day is imagining what the next will bring and conjuring up imaginary goals to determine what we will be when we “grow up”. But even from the time we are young, we aren’t taught “what are you going to do today to make today the most exquisite day you can possible make it?” It is a constant battle from youth to strive to live for tomorrow instead of today.

Now, as I am parked centrally in my mid-twenties, I realize the importance of breaking the cycle and not only living for tomorrow, but living for the delicious ambiguity of today. I am grown up. I don’t know what I want to be while I’m here, but I do know that right now I’m fine. I’m fine and I’m happy and I’m content and I’m satisfied not knowing what I don’t know. I can’t predict what tomorrow will bring me and where all the rest of my “grown up” years will carry me. I can tell you that this moment today, isn’t so bad. I don’t want to live in these moments not realizing I’m living them because I’m still trying to conquer my childhood tomorrows. This is what I want to be when I grow up. It’s me…an older version of my childhood soul, and one day at a time, living for the moment.