The MommyRoo Blog

Please bear with me, as this post may end up getting quite long.

It has been over 5 months since my last post and there has been a reason for this.  The worst reason possible.  Three days after the last post I wrote, discussing how I was going to raise my beautiful baby girl, she was taken from me to be with the angels in Heaven.  Cicely Laurri, my perfect baby, died of SIDS on September 16th, 2009.  For the last 5 months or so, I’ve been trying  to get the tiny, broken pieces of my life back together and pick them up…one at a time.

After a few weeks, I went back to work and tried to get back to reality.  Even though I didn’t think life could go on, unfortunately it did.  The part most of you don’t know, is that 2 months after Cicely passed on, Jason and I were pregnant with our second child.  We took a test, it said positive, and we were so excited.  Only our excitement died the very next day, when we found out I had had a miscarriage and our second chance at happiness had also passed on.

It was around that time that I had a complete mental breakdown and withdrew from the world for about 3 weeks.  I did all I could.  I got help.  I talked to my therapist, I went to the Dr., I talked with other SIDS moms, I talked with SIDS nurses…I did everything I could to try to get myself out of my deep, dark hole.  And to the best extent that it could work in a situation like this, I think I’ve come out decently victorious.

The good part about having my miscarriage was that it finally gave me an opportunity to quit my job and start my life over.  It was too hard to work at Zipline.  I found out I was pregnant while I worked there, I went into labor at our office, my co-worker, Kate, was at the hospital while I was giving birth, and she drove me to the hospital where I would hold my dead baby for the last time.  All of my clients knew what had happened, which was as much of a good thing as bad and for anyone who didn’t, I felt like I was hiding some secret from them that was looming over my head every time I walked into the room.

So I’ve been unemployed for the last few months and have been trying to find a job.  I have a part-time job for White House Black Market, and so far it’s proving to be quite fun.  No stress, nice people, and a paycheck.  Just what I need.  But I’m also looking for something that I can be at with more longevity.  I’ve had some great interviews and am hopeful for one opportunity that came unexpectedly this week.  I’m not sure exactly what it is I want to do with my life right now other than start over.  I can say that the next time I have a baby, I want to have a job I’m in love with.  One I am passionate about.  And a factor of utmost importance - a job that will be supportive of Jason and I re-starting our family again.

At my job interviews, my prospective employers keep asking me if I’m really ready to go back to work and start over.  I think I am, but in reality, how can I know that for sure?  I don’t know that there is an opportune time after the death of your child to jump back on the bandwagon.  I’ve never done this before.  I’ve never had to pick up this many pieces to put my life back together before this.  I just know I need to be there for my family.  I need to be there for my amazing husband, and for our future children we will have and try to make their lives the best they can be.  I need to find my happiness again in whatever way it takes.

As a new parent, you brace yourself for all of the exciting times you will have with your baby.  Their first Christmas, their first birthday, their first time riding a bike.  I’ll never get a first Christmas, or a first birthday, or that first bike ride with my daughter.  Every day I have to hear about my pregnant friends and watch them get to watch their brand new babies continue to grow up, knowing that mine never will.  As much as I try to be happy for them, a little piece of me just wants to crawl in a hole.

I’ve been missing Cicely a lot this week.  It marked the week that she has been gone as long as she was here and I’ve been thinking of her and missing her every day.  I wish you all could have met her.  She really was the best baby I’ve ever known.  The good news is, I have a ton of memories I get to cherish of her.  I even kept a journal that I wrote in once a week or so of all of the new things she was doing.  Not to mention, we have loads and loads of pictures we took.

I hope to those who are reading this, that if you have children, you never have to go through what Jason and I and so many other parents have had to go through.  I also hope you cherish them every day.  If you have a crying baby, be glad every time they cry that you get to hear it, because I’ll never get to hear my daughter’s again.  And when your child is misbehaving, just be glad you have one that can misbehave at all.

I think good things are in store for us in the future.  After all, I think we’ve endured the worst thing we’ll ever have to and we are somehow still standing.  This is our new beginning and we’re trying to look at it as an opportunity for great things to come.

For more information about SIDS and how you can help the cause please visit, http://www.nwsids.org/.