The MommyRoo Blog

It’s been nearly 4 months since I last wrote a blog on here and I thought it was about time I did.  A lot has been happening in the last 4 months.  A lot.

The first major news story is my announcement that Jason and I are expecting our first baby on April 9th, 2009.  He is very excited, but I’ve been having a much harder time with the whole idea.  It has been a very rough few months.  I wanted to have a baby and this was something that Jason and I did discuss, so I guess you could say it was a planned pregnancy.  But when it came down to it and I found out I was actually pregnant, I just am not sure how I feel about it.  A part of me is excited, but more of me is just scared, anxious, and a whole other slew of emotions I can’t quite find the words for.

The pregnancy has also brought along a lot of hormone changes, and being that I just weaned off of Paxil 6 months ago, I’m not sure that my body knows what to do with them.  So instead of being excited, my depression and anxiety have come back, but worse than ever this time around.  I’ve seen several doctors about this and after literally months of consideration I’ve decided to get back on medication.

I can’t explain how hard this decision has been for me.  I’ve heard the horror stories of babies coming out and going through withdrawal.  But right now, my baby’s mom can’t handle it.  I’m exhausted.  I wake up some mornings just shaking and crying because I know I have to go to work and get through the day.  I’m not as excited about the idea of having a baby as I always anticipated I would be.  My thoughts consume me and I can’t escape them running through my head over and over again and drowning me with anxiety and guilt.

Part of me is disappointed in myself for getting off of the Paxil and now caving and getting on a new medication.  I feel like I let myself down in a big way and am wondering why I couldn’t just get through it on my own.  But another part of me is realizing that I can’t get through it on my own and when 5 doctors and most people in your life tell you it’s something to strongly consider, I think I need to take a step back and listen.  So I took my first pill last night and I’m hoping that soon enough I’ll be back to normal.

Jason and I had decided we wanted to have the baby through a midwifery.  We found one we love and have been to a few appointments.  But because of my depression, I think we are going to switch to an OBGYN so they can monitor my medicine intake and how I’m doing more thoroughly.  We met with one yesterday and we really liked him, and I have a girlfriend who also saw him with her baby, so I feel confident in our decision.  He prescribed me my new medication, so I feel like we’re in good hands.  He also wants me to see my therapist more often than I currently am, which hopefully will also help me out.  We are still hoping that I can take Bradley classes through the midwifery, however, so we can have the most natural birth we can.

So that’s pretty much it.  I’m pregnant and having a hard time, but getting help for it.  Hopefully things will all work out and soon enough I’ll be the glowing pregnant woman I always hoped to be.  I just want to be the best mom I can be to our baby and I’m hoping I’ve made the right decision.  I’ve had a great support system through all of this and can’t thank my family and my friends who know what I’ve been dealing with enough for trying to help.

I’m going to try to use my blog to keep everyone more updated on how the pregnancy is going, any major appointments we have, any big news we have to share, and of course for my normal ranting and ravings.

I hope to be writing more soon…